nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
