dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
