my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
