I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
