my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
