part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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