i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
