I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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