Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
