i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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