I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
