Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
