dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
