On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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