if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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