I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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