and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
