I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
