So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
