I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
