Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
