I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
