She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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