My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
