I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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