Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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