I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
