she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.