Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing