Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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