It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
