so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
