So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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