I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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