The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
