y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
