just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
