stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
