I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
