She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
