New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
