I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
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The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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