A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
