drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
