I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
