im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
