In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
