There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
