Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
