Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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