White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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