Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
