Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
