VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How external is "for external use only"?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
